Shop Tools Explained

This is just a simple list of the tools and their uses that you may or may not use on a regular basis.



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand

OXY ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Its best use is for igniting new seat covers.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate thumbs, fingers, or the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SOMONABITCH TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need, and at times must be retrieved from across the road.

forgot to add the part about a belt sander when it jumps and catches skin lol took a good bit of meat from the palm of my hand also lol i found out you can trip a breaker when you get stuck in one lol

ROFL i think i just pee'ed myself, that is so funny, good job

Got another one...

WELDERS:
A power tool used for heating one up on cold winter days. Also used for burning holes in steel. Sometimes used for sending one flying 50 feet across the yard from electric shocks. Welders also can make your eyes shrivel up and fall out.

Oh this is funny. I'm still grinning like a possum. I'll add a few.

ANGLE GRINDER: A power tool specially designed to destroy cutting disks, spray sparks particularly at your face or hair, and strip skin off your hands.

WELDING CLAMPS: Tools intentionally designed to frustrate you when an odd angle in the two pieces of metal is encountered, ultimately ending up being thrown.

RATCHET: A tool mostly associated with slippage resulting in busted knuckles and certain four letter words being spoken, add to that your frustration of having to return to the tool box several times to eventually get the right socket.

SLAG HAMMER: A hammer like tool designed to send pieces of hot slag into your hair, face, and mostly down your tucked in shirt.

Tractor Man Jeff wrote:

ANGLE GRINDER: A power tool specially designed to destroy cutting disks, spray sparks particularly at your face or hair, and strip skin off your hands.

Not to mention sending hot bits of metal up and somehow getting past your goggles into your eye resulting in a corneal abrasion. Happened to me twice so far while working on my tractor .

Me too. Had a tiny piece of metal fly into my eye right on the edge of the colored area. If it had gone closer to the center, My vision would have been damaged. There is nothing like having someone using a small rotary brush on your eye! I'll always wear glasses when I use my angle grinders.

Haha, one of my good friends posted this on his Facebook and it was too true to not share.